This weekend, we were watching TV, and a show came on about stinging/biting creatures. (I'm pretty sure it was "Bite Me" on the National Geographic Channel.) In the intro, spiders, scorpions, and wasps filled the screen, and my husband said, "Oh, look, all the things I'm afraid of in one spot!" While some people have a natural fear of these things, my husband is terrified of them. If a wasp flies at him, he will run and scream like a little girl. (Sorry, sweetie, now the whole Internet knows!) Don't worry, we quickly changed the channel so he wouldn't have to be subjected to the terrifying images for long.
In response, I tried to think of irrational fears that I have, and really couldn't come up with much. I don't particularly care for scorpions, but as long as one's far enough away that I can walk around it, I probably won't freak out. Now that I'm writing this, I have realized that I do have one irrational, uncontrollable phobia-like reaction, and that is my reaction to cockroaches. I will admit that it is completely illogical and that I do get goosebumps just thinking of the creatures, but I think it is more of an intense disgust rather than an actual fear.
That aside, my husband pointed out that my main fear is failure, and I realized that he was right. My fear of failing is so strong, that at one point I had to seek medical help for my anxiety. (There may be some of you wondering why I'm admitting this. Well, first of all, I think that most of you who know me well, probably already know this tidbit about me. Second, I feel like it is very important to create an awareness in the world regarding mental health, especially anxiety and depression. No matter what challenges that someone faces, it is important that they feel that they can seek the care that they need. Okay, my little rant is over.)
Despite my intense fear of failure, I don't feel like I've backed away from too many challenges. Instead, I've created built in excuses for myself. "It's okay if I don't get an A in this class, because I'm taking 20 hours this semester," for example. So, I set my expectations high, inevitably disappoint myself, and then work on building myself back up by explaining to everyone that I really didn't expect to succeed in the first place, or that some other factor out of my control has prevented my success. It's really a classic example of a defense mechanism. (For those of you who are feeling sorry for me at this point, there are plenty of things in which I do feel like I've had complete success. On most days, I have pretty high self confidence and feel like I'm capable of success in most things I do.)
But, why am I going on and on about this? Well, because recently I embarked on a challenge that I felt was probably unattainable. Each year, a non-profit organization known as The Office of Letters and Light sponsors a month long event called NaNoWriMo (or National Novel Writing Month). People from all over the world spend a month writing a 50,000 word novel. Some of my friends have participated in the past, but I've never known anyone who has finished a novel as part of this program. (Friends, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.) The goal is not to have a flawless, publishable work at the end, but to put the effort in to write every single day. So, with few excuses not to succeed (I have no job and plenty of coffee), I started my novel on Day 8. Yes, that's right, I jumped on board with a full week of writing opportunities already lost.
Back to my fear of failure, I only told a couple of people that I was participating. I didn't want that failure out there for everyone to see, even if those closest to me and most familiar with the challenges of writing insisted that even a strong effort wasn't a failure. To me, success meant reaching the 50,000 word mark. And, I'm proud to announce that a day early, after 22 days, I have exceeded the mark and turned in my novel. It's not perfect, and I didn't expect it to be. It has problems with tense, some of the details conflict, and at one point I realized I had given 3 unrelated characters the same last name!
By the way, it was sure nice to finish with a cup of hot tea in my hand and the beautiful snow outside. Here is a pic of our first major snow, taken this evening (we've had flakes, but this is the first time it has stuck):
Before you ask, I'm not ready to share my novel with anyone. I suspect I will let it breathe, and then come back to it later with a fresh set of eyes. Perhaps after several rounds of self-editing, it will make it into somebody else's hands. I'm just glad that I made it over the mark (I ended at 50176 words) and now have more time for blogging! Sometimes, I guess, that fear of failure which often drives me mad, actually can be the key to success.
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